R-E-S-P-E-C-T

That is what I need to have for myself. I feel paralyzed at the moment by life and afraid of stepping anywhere. I do not want to resort to past behaviors when dealing with stress. I want to have behaviors that only benefit myself, my soul, and my greater good.
I will not use my body as a trash receptacle for empty food and calories that mean nothing and do nothing for me. I deserve all good things and the way I look and feel matters in that.
I need to get a grip and figure out a plan but I just want to avoid as well. It really kind of sucks when you don't know WHAT you want or maybe you do but are just afraid to go there or give up the things you still would miss if you do.

I just feel numb, but yet pain, and failure and wondering why.. It is my nature to want to understand and when I don't it paralyzes me.
What to do, What to do.....

Crazy

I am very angry right now. I am trying to be clear headed. It's hard to know what to do. I feel I have a right to be angry but then being angry and fighting all the time is no way to live.
I am having a good week and lost 2 lbs on the scale.
It's snowing like crazy and gee I am angry because I took a mental ME day tomorrow but the weather will be bad and there will likely be no school......
I cannot escape these people I swear.
I really really don't know what to do. Dr Laura or someone once said something like...
If you don't know what to do, do nothing.

But I don't like that feeling of no say and out of control.

Would it be WRONG of me to say, I am not paying this bill or that bill and let OUR credit go bad because I do NOT want to be the only one paying bills?

I did have a good win today.... I won a years pass at the Asian Art building. It comes with parking down there so that will be nice!!!!

Ok, it's venting day I guess. Do I feel better...well I want to.

Sweet Dreams are Made of These (NOT)

I had really weird dreams last night. At some point I was crying and I don't remember why. I woke up alot though..and this last dream that stuck with me, that sadly I do remember- I was having a Three-Way with Tom Cruise and Halle Berry.
I have no idea why. They seemed to be a couple and he was all into it and pushing me to get with her then all the sudden, she had a dick. So I am guessing that even subconsciously, I am not even a little bit lesbian. It was just really strange and makes me wonder what's going on in my subconscious.
What's going on in my reality is some sort of angst. Yesterday I was way focused on food and I binge ate a little. I have been doing really well at keeping my goals of eating healthier. I am not sure if I just hit the wall on being around lots of food I wanted and not eating it so I rebelled or I was just stressed or because it was available. I know I feel stressed and like I am missing something because I could not go food shopping and so am scrounging for lunch foods and thereby view that as lacking. I need to be grateful that I have lunch and really a pantry of stuff to eat. I will say it's getting pretty bare but plenty of food for the belly compared to alot of people.
I need to really keep my focus on myself and my commitment to treat myself better. I just sort of want to pack it all up and drive to a new place, but I know that it's true.. Where Ever You Go, There YOU Are. So I will be working on it here. I have that swirling in my brain where it's hard to get focused in one direction I guess.
I will be keeping on though.. smelling really good in my Halle Berry perfume.

Is it February already

Well this resolution to blog is going really well right!!!
It follows right along with my starting to read something educational weekly, start a new journal or most other "resolutions" I make. You know what- I am ok with that.
My goal is to get ok with me- MORE then ok actually, but to find and appreciate the Phenomenal woman that I am.
I have been smoking a little, not a lot, but that is something I really want to drop. So I cannot update success in that area yet but I have not bought any cigarettes lol so some might say it doesn't really count.
I did lose 5 lbs in January, according to my official weigh ins. I am proud of that and I feel good.
I am a success and I am a thinner, healthy person. It is my intention to live my best life. That Oprah, she may bug some people, but I will say she is onto some pretty good ideas... She has that Best Life thing, and that's what I want.
However I will be having Sunrise Duals with myself about it!
I have been a cynical person who wants to see the proof. That seems to slam right into the Think It, Believe It, See It, Law of Attraction.
I have also been kinda a lazy ass person who didn't want to do ALL the work.
I think it's time for me and Oprah to win this face off.
My INTENTION for this month-
To start writing my intentions
To beginning meditating at least a little each day.
To kick my negative nellie to the Curb when she rears her head

I am having a great year. I am commited to getting to where I love life and can't wait to see what is awaiting me.

I would love to have a developed blog that people actually read so maybe that will come out in the cards too!!

For now, I am just putting one foot in front of the other, moving forward and looking ahead to embracing my Best life.

What can I do?

I really want to know my "purpose". I read, I listen, I think yeah that sounds right. Then nothing. I am uninspired it seems in general. But I do know I like helping people. I want to be the kind of person people are happy to be around. I do not know if I AM that person but it is the person I want to be.
So my question to myself is what can I do to be more that way and have it be genuine. I am a cynic and a skeptic and I put my own feelings into my perceptions of other people's thoughts WAY to often.
I am really trying to stop making assumptions and judgements.
I am going to read this book the 4 Agreements that some wonderful teachers were talking about this week.
I am going to just try to FEEL. I don't think I do. I was watching the Biggest Loser this week and it really resonated with me. One of the contestants just shut down and was angry and inside of herself. I am sure she also felt selfrighteuous and indignant, or maybe that's just me. But I saw how she just COULDNT let herself feel. Like there shame or some crime or what it seems to me.. it's just POINTLESS.
But Jillian Michaels.. that Goddess of Bitchiness and Wisdom said... Why do you think God gave you tear ducts and emotions if you didn't need to feel and release.
Wow- It was like a frying pan to the head.
I am not sure how to just be ok with emotion but I am going to work on it. I find OTHERS are unsure about emotions and there always needs to be a blame or something Rational to cling to.
So what can I do right now- I will not invalidate my OWN feelings and I will take little steps to be a blessing and more considerate and thinking of others.
I think they two are connected... Connections to people open up your emotions and also leave you open to THEIR expectations and judgements. Scary Stuff.
But I want to know my purpose. I WANT WANT WANT but all these wants are ideals and things that sound good for others. Nothing that grabs hold and lights up my system.
So I will just try to be more a little at a time until I get my revelation or wake up one day standing in the middle of it with no idea how I got there until I look back.

Week in Review

I struggle with the decisions to weigh myself or not. I believe that it's not about the scale for me. It's about loving myself and learning to respect myself and my health. However the scale is the measurement we have but I don't want to get all mentally in a funk when that # might not be where I want.
I struggled with Binge eating feelings all weekend as well. Some of it is normal weekend struggles. I think every one has it. Then there was just the feelings I am dealing with of feeling so overwhelmed and not where I want to be in life and some other things right now.
I will say this.. I tracked EVERYTHING... and I didn't do all that bad. However I ate Chinese food for dinner and then snacked on crackers and PB OVER my cal limit later which is just not really a good thing to do the night before weigh in.

That said, the scale showed my naked right out of bed weight (which is how I do it each time) as down a pound...
So I guess yay me. I know I am making small changes and I was able to add some movement in for exercise several days. My body is constantly aching and sore these days so its really a challenge, especially since the more active I am, the more it gets sore!
I DID do Yoga one day which I had set as my goal so YAY..check on that.
I feel good about where I am overall in my quest to get healthy.
I feel a little floatey in the mental state right now so I am trying to really keep my goal of being healthy in mind.
I also, except for fruit have had very little sugar for two weeks. Things with high sugar like pasta sauce ect, I still have had but am taking steps to choose healthier versions for me and my family.
I just wish I had a magic wand that made it all happen in the blink of an eye or a Samantha Style wiggle of the nose. I know I am magical and I CAN make anything happen that I want, but the time it takes is a little frustrating!

I will not give up on me though. I Love and Approve of myself and I deserve a healthy life and a body that doesn't ache all the time and I deserve to feel all cute in my clothes!
I am here, putting one foot in front of the other, moving forward. Choice by Choice, keeping focused on where I want to be.
Happy, with me.

My check in

Well here it is Tuesday January 12th and my postings have not been awesome.
However my tracking on Sparkpeople.. has been. I have tracked all my food and while the weekend I didn't stay under 1500 cals, I did stay under 1800. Considering I am pretty sure there were some STAGGERING calorie totals when I am unchecked... well I give myself major props.

I still have not smoked and I have done pretty good at getting active. Yesterday I stuck it out and did the 2 mile marker of Leslie Sansone's 5K walking DVD. (thank you NEversaydiet.com for the nice DVD)

My changing my thoughts is a struggle. I am just grasping for feeling good and trying to keep my mind in more positive ways. I figure it's a practice and practice makes you better.
I am getting sort of mad that the publisher's clearing house people haven't showed up yet with my check... COME ON PEOPLE!

I did weigh myself on Monday am (after debating this all weekend as far as do I WANT to focus on the scale or not) and it was down 1.5 lbs!! Great job by me. If I could do that every week by the end of the year I would be a lot closer to my healthy weight.
My goal for this week is to try to do Yoga at least once this week.